sadme

So i ate a lot more than usual today, but i thought i’d be ok because i planned on doing double the amount of cardio i usually do.. Up till this point i wasn’t even sure if i had an eating disorder at all, i thought i was just concerned a little with weight but now i think differently.. i couldn’t do almost any cardio because it’s way too cold tonight and i freaked out and tried to make myself throw up for the 1st time. I couldn’t do it though. i almost did and i thought i was about to but nothing except some saliva came out. Now I just feel fat and Im really gonna try to not eat for a good two days.. I don’t know if Ill be able to but I’m gonna try as hard as I can. If I weigh myself tomorrow and see that I’ved gained any weight I don’t know what ill do =[

again, if you ever want to, email me. it’d make my day

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showprofile.php?Cat=&User=50154&Number=827657&Board=eating&what=showflat&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1

Hi =] my first blog! I might as well talk about myself and what’s wrong with me..

Well I pretty much have the lowest self esteem that’s even freaking possible… I think i’m ugly, weird, awkward and inferior to others and i truly believe this is how everyone else views me. I’ve always been a sensitive guy, i like tear jerkers, i cry when something is sad (i cant stand seeing a girl cry, it breaks my heart =[[ ), i like sunsets (as corny and lame as that is),  watching stars at night, I like love/romance stories and movies and love cuddling and holding someone/ being held. But when it comes to me, even though i’m sad as can be i cant cry or feel sorry for myself. No, not for myself. i dont think i deserve it, like im not worth it.

I feel that no one could love me and this really sucks because I have so much love in me to give. there’s nothing more i want than to find someone and fall in love with her, and hold her, and care for her and kiss her and tell her how much I love her and in return be held and cared for and kissed and loved. But i dont think that’s is possible because I feel no one could ever love me.. like seriously, who could ever love me?? who could fall in love with me? an ugly, weird, awkward loser.. i dont even like myself, how could someone else like me let alone fall in love with me? I just don’t think it’s possible. i don’t think i’m good enough for anyone.. and the good things I have to offer I feel are overshadowed by my looks and insecurities. even when I do meet a girl, even a nice girl, I push her away because I don’t see thepoint in trying to be friends with her when she could never like me.

And now I’m developing an eating disorder, becoming depressed (I can remember I used to be happy but that was a long time ago) and I’ve even thought of suicide- like I think we all think of it in passing, but I’ve really thought deeply about it. Like would anyone care if I was gone? I don’t think so.. would the world be worse off if I didn’t exist? No. am I doing anything positive to help the world out, am I making a difference? No, so why should I even be here if all im accomplishing is being a sad lonely guy? If anything all it would do is make things easier for me. But I really don’t think I could ever act upon it..

So that was just a vague idea of me. Ill go into more detailed things later. Talk about my eating disorder that people say im getting (though I’m not entirely convinced), my shyness, feelings and blah, blah.

If you want to talk, email me =] it would make my day

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